a god or a disgrace
by fall to the left
Summary: "Like living, she thinks. Like dying."/Rebekah and being cured, or not.


**AN: This is vaguely based on the spoilers for the season 4 finale, and so will be AU after that episode airs. This story is Rebekah-centric and set after my idea of the finale's events. Title from (and story inspired by) the song "This is London" by The Airborne Toxic Event.**

* * *

Here's what happens: Rebekah gets the cure. Damon gives it to Elena to do with it what she will- a gesture of trust, of good faith that pays off in the end when Elena kisses him, sure in her choice and not changing her mind. Before Elena leaves town with Damon for a summer road trip (they mentioned something about Georgia and laughed- Rebekah's not quite sure why anyone would want to go to _Georgia_, of all places), she seeks out Rebekah and presses the cure into her hand.

Rebekah looks down at it, and then back up at the doppelganger- at Elena. The brunette's eyes are full of something Rebekah can't quite pin down; a mix of regret and gratitude and anger and quiet understanding. Rebekah blinks back the tears that threaten to spill from her eyes and opens her mouth to say _Thank you, thank you, I'm sorry, thank you_, but Elena simply closes Rebekah's hand around the small container of blood (Rebekah can't help but find it a tad ridiculous that the cure everyone is so desperate for looks like a cross between a Jolly Rancher and one of the nickel soda bottle candies- honestly, you'd think it would look a _bit_ more impressive) and walks towards Damon's waiting car.

"Thank you," Rebekah manages to say, fervent, as Elena walks away, but the other girl doesn't look back.

Rebekah watches the car drive away before looking down at the cure in her hand, hardly daring to believe that it's real. She snaps out of her fog of disbelief, though, and shakes her head at her own ridiculousness before hurrying inside her house and sitting down on her bed. She takes one deep, steadying breath before downing the cure.

* * *

Rebekah wakes up to find that her house has gone dark, and that her heart is pounding inside her chest. She sucks in air because she needs to, and then stops mid-breath because _she needs to breathe_. She's human. Rebekah Mikaelson, after a millennia of existence as a vampire, is human again.

Her senses are painfully limited- this is the first thing that she notices. She can hear the crickets chirping outside her house, the occasional passing car go by. She can hear the wind wrapping around her house. She can her the air going in and out of her lungs, she can hear her heart beating. She can't hear anything, not compared to what she could hear as a vampire (I'm not a vampire, I'm _human_), but what she can hear is everything that matters. She's a human. She's alive.

Rebekah stands. Takes a step forward. Her center of balance seems off, somehow, now that she no longer has the ability to move faster than any human, no longer has the strength to destroy anything that gets in her way. She's also painfully exposed, and so she heads to her dresser and pulls out a stake. She never relied on brute strength alone as much as her brothers did; she knows enough from practice and from experience how best to fight and kill a vampire, and since her brothers are out of town a simple wooden stake should serve her well enough against any immediate threats.

For a moment, Rebekah sways forward and has to catch herself on the dresser. It's not fair, she's thinking. It's not fair. She's human now, and all she wants to do is have a normal human life and be happy and be at peace and live until she finally gets to die, and yet she still has to defend herself against the world, still has to fight, and she's tired. She's so tired.

She forces herself to breathe, marveling at how it's automatic but still needs to be forced sometimes. Like living, she thinks. Like dying.

The deep breaths calm her, though. She can survive, she _will _survive. There are places throughout the world where Rebekah Mikaelson has never been, where she will not be remembered or recognized. And though she has no more compulsion, she still has access to her family's bank accounts, and to her own private accounts after her brothers find out she has taken the cure and they disown her in a fit of rage. Klaus will disown her, anyway; of that Rebekah is sure. Her darling mad brother, whom she loved more than anyone or anything else for so long, will surely throw a tantrum and be furious and perhaps even try to hunt her down and finish off her human life too soon. Elijah, though, Rebekah is not certain of. She never has been certain of Elijah, really. His moods were always less mercurial than Klaus', but still harder to predict. Elijah may try to protect her from Klaus, or he may aid Klaus' efforts; Rebekah cannot count on him, cannot count on her family, with her mother trying to kill her and Finn and Kol dead and Kol trying to kill Matt besides-

_Matt_. Suddenly all other concerns are banished from her mind and Rebekah can only momentarily wonder at how small and limited a human mind is compared to that of a vampire until all her focus is swamped by the boy's blue eyes. Matt is the best human Rebekah has ever known. Matt believed that Rebekah could make a good human if she tried. Matt is leaving for the local college at the end of the summer. Matt should know that she's human.

Her immediate course of action decided, Rebekah turns to the mirror on her bedroom wall and runs a hand through her hair, wipes at the slight smudges of eyeliner on her face, stares at the faint flush in her cheeks from the blood pumping through her human veins. She tucks the stake into her waistband, takes one more steadying breath, and hurries out of her house and to the Mystic Grill.

The Grill is surprisingly empty, even for a weeknight, but Rebekah quickly reasons out why. There's no Damon to sit at the bar, drinking continuously like the brooding prick he claims not to be. There's no Elena to viciously fling darts at the dartboard and kick ass at the pool table. Caroline is at home, recovering from the mystical veil shenanigans of graduation. Bonnie, miraculously back from the dead, is probably with Caroline, and Stefan is off dealing with the emotional crisis of Elena choosing Damon. Rebekah doesn't understand exactly what he's mourning- Elena had told him under compulsion that she wasn't in love with him anymore and that she was in love with Damon, so it's not like it's some huge shock, and with the way Stefan and Caroline had been eyeing each other it seemed obvious that Stefan had moved on already. The non-supernatural populace, meanwhile, was probably all hiding in their homes, wondering what the hell had gone down at the high school's graduation ceremony and why there couldn't ever be one town event that didn't end in death or general weirdness.

As a result, a few random townspeople and Matt are the only people in the Grill, and Rebekah's entire focus is on Matt. He takes a moment to look up towards the door when she enters, but as soon as he catches sight of her he smiles reflexively before narrowing his eyes and studying her. She knows that he's noticing the same color in her face that she did earlier- a flush of health, vitality, _life _that Rebekah could never quite capture, even with the most expensive makeup.

In reply to his scrutiny she beams, letting all the joy and relief and hope she feels at being human show on her face. For the first time in centuries she feels a world of infinite possibilities spinning out before her- ironic, perhaps, since for the first time in centuries she no longer has infinity to accomplish all of those possibilities. She watches as astonishment, disbelief, worry, and then an answering joy cross his face. He steps out from behind the bar and towards her, meeting her halfway as she hurries towards him.

"You're _human_?" He asks, voice made quiet by shock.

In answer she stretches her face up and kisses him freely, with no fangs or bloodlust or _anything_ to worry about. He kisses her back, and she can't stop the grin that stretches against his lips- because she's human.

* * *

Rebekah ends up going to college with Matt, the straight A school transcript she's compelled for herself during her brief stint in high school more than good enough to get her late acceptance. She doesn't tell her brothers that she's human, but she knows they must find out at some point. Elijah sends her a letter when she's in her senior year of college, promising to keep Klaus away and in New Orleans. Rebekah flourishes as a human, and all her hidden worries about whether or not she could really succeed in life without her vampiric abilities are banished. With the full brunt of centuries of knowledge behind her, Rebekah could teach most of the classes she's taking, and even without supernatural strength she manages to make the school's cheer team. Rebekah has friends, and she has Matt. She belongs somewhere. She's wanted. She's loved.

Rebekah graduates at the top of her class. She thinks she sees Elijah in the crowd, but he's gone when she looks for him later, if he was ever there at all. Matt graduates with her, and proposes after the ceremony. She cries when she says yes, but they're tears of happiness, not pain. It makes for a nice change.

They get married. Elena and Caroline and Damon and Stefan and Bonnie and Sheriff Forbes show up, and so do their new friends from college. It's beautiful, and when he kisses her she feels like she's floating.

They have two children- Jeremy and Aislin. They grow old together, with their human friends visiting constantly and their supernatural friends occasionally. Matt dies at age 84, not long after their first great-grandchild is born, and Rebekah dies two weeks after him. It's like a dream come true.

It is- see, it's what Rebekah imagines happening when she's broken down and tired enough to let herself wallow in what-ifs.

* * *

Here's what really happens: Katherine gets the cure when Elena crams it down her throat, and then Elena makes a deal with Klaus- Katherine's location for Elena's freedom. Klaus takes the deal, Katherine dies slowly at his hands, and Elena, having gotten the cure from Damon and freedom from Klaus, tells Damon that she loves him. They do go on a summer road trip to get away from Mystic Falls for a while, and they do laugh together about Georgia, and Rebekah doesn't understand why. Elena doesn't say anything to Rebekah, and maybe it's better that way. Elena stabbed Rebekah in the back, Rebekah killed Elena, and then Rebekah helped a humanity-less Elena and Elena stabbed her in the back again by rejecting her friendship. Rebekah likes to think they have an understanding.

Rebekah goes home to her empty house and sits down on her bed and looks at her empty hands and cries. She doesn't have friends. She doesn't have the cure. She doesn't have family- and how many daggers in the heart did it take for her to figure that one out?

She must look so pathetic. Poor little Rebekah, always so desperate to fit in. Your father hated you and wanted you dead. Your mother came back from the dead just to kill you. Your brothers have betrayed you time and time again. Your only "friends" have literally stabbed you in the back. No matter how hard you try, no matter how polite or friendly or flirtatious or _anything _you try to be, no one wants you. No one wants you, no one loves you. You don't belong anywhere, and it's so bloody obvious that you want to more than anything else. Pathetic.

God, she just can't take a hint, can she? The universe clearly hates her. She's lived for over ten centuries and not one single person has ever really loved her. She has never belonged anywhere. She's been betrayed and used by everyone, the people who claimed to love her more than anyone else. She's so tired of it. She's so tired of everything.

She's furious. She stands up and wipes the tears from her face, hisses in annoyance at the smeared makeup on her damp cheeks. She stalks out of her house, runs to the Mystic Grill. Her thoughts are disjointed, her movements smooth as she storms towards the bar. Matt is the only one there- the Grill is unusually empty, but she barely notices- and his eyes widen in alarm when he sees her.

"Rebekah-" he starts to say, but she closes the remaining space between them, the bar digging into her stomach, and kisses him soundly.

He doesn't kiss her back. She pulls back and looks at him, and she knows that her every emotion must be written all over her face. Matt doesn't seem to be having any luck in deciphering them, though, because he's staring at her, bewildered and almost- _sad_, which doesn't bode well for her.

"Look, Rebekah," he begins, and she turns away, tears once again stinging her eyes.

"It's not you! I just, I got into a college, and thank you for tutoring me by the way, but I need to get out of Mystic Falls and all the supernatural craziness and-"

She's almost reached the door when she stops, spins around, and cuts him off.

"And you don't want me getting you involved in anything."

Matt's eyes go wide and he opens his mouth, but she's not stopping.

"And you want to 'graduate as a human'. And you want to go to college without any 'supernatural craziness'. And you will always want a human. And I will _never_ be human. And no one will ever really want me. I get it. I do! You know what, Matt?"

And she's laughing, high and bordering on hysterical and Rebekah doesn't care, she really doesn't.

"I don't want me either! Sadly for me, I can't just get rid of myself like everyone else can, like everyone else does. So I suppose, in the words of you _humans_," here Matt winces at the rancor in her voice, "it really fucking _sucks _to be me."

Rebekah leaves the Grill. Matt might try to follow her out, might go outside and call her name and look dejectedly around, but she doubts it. It doesn't matter, because Rebekah's already left the Grill, left the whole stupid, small town of Mystic Falls behind.

* * *

Rebekah compels herself a plane ticket to London. She's in a London mood, in the mood for clouds drowning out the sun and crowds that are going nowhere, that are full of people who have no idea what it is to be utterly alone and people who have no idea what it is to not be.

She has no idea how long she stays there. All she knows is that as decades pass she travels around the world, northern hemisphere and southern, compelling and killing and fucking and fighting and doing whatever the hell she wants because she's never gotten to before. Because she's always been under someone else's thumb, always been working on someone else's agenda. Because she's tired of being used, and maybe she wants to use other people for a change. It doesn't make her feel better, though, and she doesn't bother to shut off her emotions because she's just numb anyway.

Elijah crosses her path just once, having left New Orleans and Klaus to follow rumors of a wayward Original vampire. She gives him just enough time to greet her before she snaps his neck and goes back to her daze of nothingness. Elijah doesn't try to contact her again.

She stumbles across Elena and Damon once in some dive bar. They stare at her- she's cut her hair short because it's easier to get the blood out and taken to wearing an old leather jacket- and she snorts contemptuously and leaves the bar, muttering something about taking out the trash just loudly enough for them to hear. Rebekah tells herself that she doesn't kill them because she doesn't want to deal with Caroline and Stefan and all their lot coming after her, but deep down she's not any more sure of that than she is of anything else.

The only thing that really breaks through her numb existence is the pain. Sometimes she sees people who look like her brothers or her past lovers or any of the other people who betrayed her, and she ends up leaning against a wall somewhere, gasping for air that she doesn't need and choking on words that aren't there. That's when she indulges herself, and lets herself imagine what would have happened if she'd gotten the cure, lets her mind spin off on a million different paths and imaginings and plots that could have happened.

She read a lot when she younger (what a joke that is to her- _younger_, as if she could ever be young when she's never aged), and as technology advances she's reminded of a book she once read, one about androids and the divide between machines and human beings. Rebekah doesn't dream of electric sheep. She doesn't dream at all, anymore.

* * *

**AN: It's been ages since I've written any TVD fanfic (or any Rebekah), so please give me your thoughts. Hope you enjoyed!**


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